. LISA----(I actually began writing this yesterday, but I did so with a million breaks, which meant I then needed to proof read it to make sure I didn't simply repeat myself a hundred times. Unfortunately, because of my eyes the proof reading had to wait a day. I now see that you've already posted a second note, which I also appreciate and will definitely follow up on! But this one is in response to the first post. I'm just telling you this so you won't think I completely ignored the good news about the Vanderbilt clinic!!!! Anyway, moving on......)

. First of all, you definitely did NOT say anything hurtful! Your note was a wonderful out- pouring of love! As for the depression issue......that's no new topic of investigation for me. In college I was eventually diagnosed with a cyclical mood disorder in the family of BiPolar (if BiPolar were a black triple espresso, what I have is a decaf herbal tea with milk and honey)!!! I've been on medication for that since my early twenties, with wonderful results. For the last six months or so (excluding pregnancy) I've also been using 60mg of Paxil as a migraine-preventative (works really well in that area, by the way!). The truth be told, doctors and loved ones over the years have sometimes been too quick to diagnose me with depression (a common experience for narcoleptics). I understood that when a person is too tired to be involved in their own life, depression is often the reason. But I kept trying to persuade people that surely depression didn't account for the extent of my sleepiness! A perfect example: The whole time I was getting dressed and primped for my wedding, I was secretly fantasizing about locking myself in the bathroom to take a NAP! (And I'd had at least seven hours of sleep the night before!) If given the option, I absolutely would have elected to postpone the ceremony several hours so that I could sleep. The desperate need I had for zzzz's, my obsession with sneaking in micro-naps, can only be equated with serious drug addictions!
. Now, don't get me wrong----there were also many times that I really was clinically depressed!! But my therapist and my psychiatrist, together, helped me fine-tune my "internal radar" when it comes to mood imbalances. As a result, I'm now able to step back and logically analyze my emotional/mental state, detecting the first "scent" of chemical imbalance in time to minimize the extent and duration of any relapses. That same analytical nature, coupled with years of experience, has given me the tools to decipher between chemical depression and circumstance-mediated depression. Without having experienced the furthest extremes of depression and dysphoria, I doubt that I would have had this ability. People who haven't experienced both---or enough of them---don't realize that there are distinct, physiological, differences between the two. Even just picturing it in my head right now, I swear I can literally feel, almost smell, the difference in chemical depression (this includes hormonal issues)---so much so that my very face instinctively pinched up into a sour, irritable expression! There is often an unbearable agitation associated with it, as well as a deep contempt for myself and for the life that has "betrayed" me and profound pity for the people who have to live with me. The thing that really separates those emotions from just an average bad mood or sad time, is that even while I'm actively experiencing them I'm also acutely aware of both the irrationality and the ambivalence behind my thoughts. Another crucial difference is that when chemicals are involved, I find myself feeling desperate to DO something to make the unpleasantness go away. (Therefore, unlike the experience of being overwhelmed by unhappy circumstances, I know chemical depression is a matter that requires immediate medical intervention.)
. Since finding the right medication and dosage, any episodes of dangerous chemical imbalance that I've had were short lived (and often hormone-related) so that one or two doses of my "emergency meds" (Xanax) is enough to kick it. (I'm blessed that in those instances my mind is willing to accept medication as a solution rather than something more drastic!) I do have longer periods of passive despair, or simply profound sorrow and dismay. And that's a mood I often find myself in these days. But one must consider the question (as I asked in my post-title), "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?!" This same question is posed on every website re: my specific conditions (i.e. the narcolepsy, chronic migraines, restless leg syndrome, and poly cystic ovarian disease), because each one of them has associated depression. So far, no one has been able to prove whether the depression is an actual, direct, symptom of these conditions or simply the indirect manifestation of a persons struggle to live with the conditions' symptoms! For me, I know that as long as I'm not experiencing acute desperation and/or agitation along with my despair, I don't have to worry about my safety. Honestly, how could I expect myself NOT to be despairing after all these years of praying, waiting, believing, expecting to be healed? And when you're too tired to leave the bed, too mentally alert to fall asleep, and your eyes hurt too much even to have the distraction of tv or a book, it's only natural for the brain to take a trip down self-pity lane!
. I used to have no doubt that God's plan in all of this would culminate in my healing, and subsequent opportunity to "use" the unique perspective that I've gained. But last year I found myself questioning that expectation. We can't assume that God's decisions will be bound by human logic.......He's the Father of mysteries, after all! My prayer has always been that He use my life AS HE SEE FIT. And as unpleasant a scenario as it may be for ME, I have to accept the fact that He just might see fit to leave me in this poor state of health forever. It would not be without reason, of course---- but I might not have the privilege of knowing what that reason IS, in my lifetime. (By the way, the decision to give God that freedom over my life also prevents me from being truly tempted by suicide......the only thing worse than living like this would be to take action that prevented it from being used in the way God intended!) When I first began facing the fact that I might not be healed, I felt like my whole inner world was turned upside down. Somehow "maybe not" translated into "no chance", and I simply gave up hoping (or praying) for better. I decided that giving up was the right thing, that it was proof of my total acceptance of God's authority. But I didn't stop there. I also decided that God wanted me to let go of any need to have purpose in my suffering---that I needed to submit to His right to have neither plan nor purpose behind what's happening to me. At first glance, such an attitude actually sounds spiritually healthy. After all, it's the highest possible level of submission! And to an extent, I still think there's merit in recognising that God doesn't owe us anything---including purpose! But the catch is that I failed to follow up my submission with a serious look at God's NATURE. He may, indeed, want us to submit so entirely---but that doesn't change the fact that He also WANTS to unfold a plan and purpose in each of our lives. It's a gift He seeks to give us all, as His children! In staying stuck on "hopeless but submitting" I was forgetting who I was submitted TO! After almost a year of what I can only describe as a spiritual and emotional black hole, something suddenly stirred within my spirit. It was as if I woke up one day and decided that the hopeless, helpless, condition of my heart AND my health just wasn't good enough anymore. It couldn't possibly have been God's will for me to remain like that----the proof was in the pudding! I was the farthest thing from being a living testament of faith and worship, so the only one actually benefiting from that state of mind was God's enemies!! I still don't know if healing is in my future, but the healthiest course for me will be to live in pursuit of it! (Ironically, several weeks after that spiritual epiphany I was surprised to discover that I was also pregnant. It seemed like a sign of favor, perhaps even of healing..........until I lost the pregnancy. I still don't know quite what to think of that chain of events. As Mom says, maybe it didn't mean anything----maybe, like so many other heartaches, it was just a side-effect of living in a fallen world. In the end, I decided not to let it change my new perspective.)
. I don't know why I went into that monologue, Lisa (and everyone else!). I'm also going to have to re-read it because I've stopped and started so many times today that it's liable to make no sense!!! In the end, my goal was to reassure you that while I'm frequently depressed about my circumstances, I'm not in a state of clinical depression. (My medications would surely prevent that, if nothing else!) The depression I feel is more one of being overwhelmed by the limitations, and at a loss as to a solution. The two issues that have the greatest negative impact on my life also fit together like an evil little puzzle, so that I can't seem to overcome things. You see, if it was just the fatigue factor bringing my life to a standstill, I would turn to my treasured pass-times of writing, beading, and reading to keep my spirits up (and perhaps even contribute to society). Each of those can be done from bed, if need be, and are low-energy enterprises! I'd still be limited in how long I could engage before needing a nap, but that's okay. The second issue is my eye pain. Although I have low grade pain/discomfort 24hrs a day, the truly incapacitating attacks are brought on by certain preventable activities. UNFORTUNATELY, the term "aggravating-activities" applies to anything that requires using my eyes to focus on words or objects.........such as writing, beading, or reading. Now, if my eye issue was the only thing troubling me I'd still be frustrated and mournful over having to ration out the time I spend engaging in my favorite activities. But if eye pain WAS all I had stopping me----even if also still had narcolepsy (that responded to meds) and occasional migraines----I could at least get out into the world and live my life. I could distract myself from what I wasn't getting to do, and find ways other than writing to reach out to people. HOWEVER, the first issue prevents me from overcoming the second, and vice-verse. I know I sound like I'm feeling really sorry for myself, here. And trust me, I frequently do. But right now I'm actually in a rather cheerful mood (must be the return of sunshine!), and I feel more like an objective reporter than like the one who actually has to deal with all of that. (It's probably the positive effects of the "writer's trance" that I enter when I've been typing without interruption for a while!) I can't risk wasting this good mood by staying here until my eyes are too far gone, so I'm going to say good-bye. I hope you realize that I wasn't trying to imply that you were wrong to suggest the depression factor. It would actually be careless of you NOT to bring it up, especially since clinical depression can be dramatically improved with simple medications! I guess I just wanted you to know all the background info so you'd realize that I wasn't simply dismissing your insight----there really is a reason I haven't focused on the likelihood of clinical depression!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to me, again. Yet another sign of the O'Cal love!!! SANDY