Sorry, Beck (and others). I'm currently stuck on the darker "backside" of hope.....the place where everything you dared hoped for now looks like mere fantasy. (Yet again, I didn't wake up to find that kitten wrapped in a blanket!) I have not, however, changed my stance on the experience of hope itself----I still say it's better to have enjoyed those days of optimism and enthusiasm, regardless of how things actually turned out! Yes, moving from the warm glow of hope into its gloomy shadow is always a difficult transition to make. And yes, there are moments when despair steps up to take optimism's place. But those moments don't last, and in the end I'm surely better off having had the "spiritual vacation"!
Logically, I also know that hope isn't altogether lost. There are next steps to consider. If Lyme Disease really IS a factor in all of this, for instance, an infection as prolonged as mine would NOT typically resolve with just one month of IV antibiotics. But my sleepiness is such an overwhelming factor these days that finding the energy to TAKE those next steps continues to elude me. I mean, it literally takes me several days to gather the energy reserves required to take a stupid shower, let alone actively pursue medical intervention! Even thinking about it is overwhelming. I know it's hard for others to understand how I could feel too tired to pursue getting better, because it's also a difficult experience to effectively describe. But let's see.......have any of you ever experienced jumping into a "foam pit", such as the one gymnasts use for conditioning? It looks like a pool, but instead of water it's filled with an seemingly endless pile of soft foam squares (not Styrofoam). I hated that thing in gymnastics---we'd have to use a rope swing to swing out as far into the center of it as possible, and then let go. The excruciatingly difficult process of making it back to "shore" was one you'd truly have to experience to understand. It feels like no matter how much effort you put forth, no progress is ever made. I always wound up fighting back tears and wishing I could just give up and disappear! To date, I think that's the best description of living in this body when it's at its worst. For those of you who've never been in a foam pit, the next best example would be a "lazy river" with a fairly strong current---if you've ever attempted to walk or swim AGAINST that current, you'll also have a pretty good idea of what I'm describing! There's nothing more defeating than to give your all and still get no where. On my bad days, even the simple act of sitting up in a chair feels like a resistance exercise. To type this entry right now, I literally have to stop and rest my arms after every single sentence. And a moment ago, tears came to my eyes when I thought about the fact that after I'm done here, I'll have to stand up and walk to the other room. Anyway, I think I've depressed you enough for one day! Hopefully my next entry will find me back in the realm of hope!! Love to all! SanSan
