SARAH--- Listen, I'm sorry for making you get all teary......but was it really necessary to return the favor?! Actually, I'm glad you did, because hearing that my note moved you so much lets me know that I was successful in conveying what's really on my heart! And I think I can speak for everyone when I say that you're just as "stuck" with all of us as we are with you---as is true for all who are born into this powerful extended family unit! Does anyone else ever think about how unique our family dynamics are? Jim and Mary O'Callaghan birthed a true legacy of love and closeness! Remarkably, that legacy continues to cross the standard boundaries of time---to defy the limits traditionally set by shifting generations---maintaining its influence on down thru fourth (and blossoming fifth) generations!!! How many people do you know who still see almost all of their cousins at least once or twice a year?! Better yet, when we gather, our kids feel as comfortable with each other as if THEY were first cousins! It's really quite amazing, when you think about it. (And yet, thinking back, I don't guess I ever could have imagined it being any different!)
EVERYONE---Before I go, I also wanted to say thank you to everyone else who has sent me well-wishes, both here and via email. The other night I was reading a note from Marky (regarding some possible suggestions), and found myself getting as teary-eyed as Sarah had! I was especially moved by her closing line: "But know that I love you and I want you to have a full life!"! Not only were those words precious to me, but they also triggered a sudden awareness of the fact that I am blessed to be surrounded by people who feel that way! My single greatest struggle in all of this has been the sense that I have practically ceased to exist. All that I was, all that I expected to become, has been sucked into a black hole...........what's left behind is little more than the fossilized remains of days gone by. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard to accept if I hadn't spent a lifetime planning to make an impact on this world, in God's name. So many ways I envisioned helping people, reaching people........but, instead, I know that if I disappeared today the world at large would be no worse for it. My frustration and confusion often turns to despair, and I start telling myself that, in fact, Will is the only person on earth who would really be impacted by my disappearance. (Please don't take this to mean I'm a suicide risk. Trust me, I would never do anything like that on the off chance that it would deny me the opportunity to spend an eternity with my babies!!! Besides, when I'm in that despairing mindset, I'm generally also in a state of such physical fatigue that I couldn't stand up and do anything about it even if I wanted to!!!) For years I've tried to keep this "ugly" side of my world as hidden as possible, because I'm ashamed of letting others see what's become of me. I'll speak freely of migraines, and of things like the gastroparesis when it hit, because I feel confident that issues like those are clearly beyond my control and therefore won't inspire judgment against me. But when it comes to the ever-increasing fatigue, and the unexplained cycles of not even being able to leave my bed, I try to remain much more evasive. I'm all too aware that these kinds of symptoms, especially when there isn't a clear-cut medical reason, can start to look more like personal flaws than physical illness. And when I factored in the impact they have on my life......such as the unacceptable condition of my house, or the fact that I'm not doing anything WITH my life......I couldn't bear to imagine what you'd secretly be thinking if you ever saw the whole truth. If any of you judged me even a fraction as much as I judge myself, I'd be devastated. Because no matter how tired I am, no matter how overcome by inertia, that little voice in my head never stops listing off all of the things that I should be managing to get done----and never stops heaping the shame and guilt on me each time I fail to do so. I'm sharing all of this now because over the course of the last week I've begun to recognize the fallacy of my fears. Each time I revealed a little about my "shameful" situation, the response was always one of encouragement and sympathy. I've had to realize that this family's love isn't born of inspiration----it's not contingent on your being able to be proud of me for something----it just.....is. And your ultimate hope for me isn't that I would accomplish great things in life, but that my life would be full for me!
I'm sure I could go on forever, but my eyes have already sent out the "quitting time" signals! So, until next time..................Love you all!! Sandy
